She's Come Undone

There's one thing about having an uncooperative body that I think a lot of "normal" people don't really think much about. Simple, ordinary things can be really hard. Taking out the trash or doing laundry, for example, really can suck when it's tough to lift things (my doctor would kill me if he saw half the things I insist on doing, even in searing pain). Or picking up something off the floor that's fallen down. There are times when it just has to stay there until I can get down there. Coming from a total neat freak at heart, there are some things that were really tough to let go (and still are), but you learn.

Running up the escalator when it's out of order may even look somewhat effortless on me at times, but inside every step can feel like a sword jabbing into my ankle and hips. I can have a hell of a poker face. Standing in line? (or standing anywhere for more than a few seconds) I'd rather walk a mile than stand a full minute. Unless my feet/ankle hurts, then I'd rather walk a mile on my lips, on hot summer asphalt. Like everyone, I have my good and bad days, but my "good" isn't necessarily what others may consider so. It's all relative.

So, with existing challenges, it's always tough when something new is added to the mix. I'm on some new (and sadly very necessary) medication that feels like it just magnifies everything. I feel more generally achy and itchy, my stomach goes from feeling queasy to stabbing pains, and what food I can get down seems to taste like it's all wrapped in aluminum foil. It's amazing what 2 hours of sleep and not being able to keep food down can do to one's energy levels.

The hardest part of all, however, is that to the casual observer, you'd never know. I walk down the street like everyone else, keeping the flow and at times even outpacing the toughest of New Yorkers. When seats are full on the subway and I'm standing, I actively try not to wince with every bump that sends me into spasms. It doesn't make it hurt less. I'm not big on attention, so the last thing I would do is cause a scene asking someone to give up their seat (after all- who's to say the person sitting is any better off than I? You just don't know). I see the looks, though, when someone else needs a seat and I don't stand. Especially since I'm not a size 2, I must just be lazy. Of course, it's not possible that I DO walk miles every day, noooo (/sarcasm). I would dance every ounce away, if only I could. The weirdest thing is that sometimes I try and convince myself it's all in my head. That mind-over-matter can apply. Of course, that attitude has landed me in the hospital or emergency room on more than one occasion, so I'm learning.

I admit to making snap judgments about some people when I was far more able-bodied. Or agreeing with others when they did. When you're dancing several hours a day, tough as nails, and you can go up and down 10 pounds just by thinking about it (or suddenly doing a dance show after a more vocal show), it's hard to put yourself in others' shoes. The days when a sprained ankle, shredded meniscus or jaw surgery feels like the end of the world. Or even, *gasp*, taking a couple months for something to heal that in the end was just a tiny blip.

I only ask that whoever reads this just think for a few seconds before you assume things about people you don't know. Or even some of those you do who may not talk about it as much as you'd think (if they're not whining, it must not be THAT bad, after all, right??). Think of multiple scenarios. If not, I can only hope you don't learn the lesson by stepping onto a curb in just the wrong way at just the wrong moment. Still, I don't think anyone could ever judge me more harshly than I can myself.

Good Day

Sometimes, when you're out for another ordinary day, it ends up being such a fun, wonderful time. For the most part, it was a normal Sunday-- church, brunch with friends, sometimes playing games all afternoon (especially if there's a perfect foursome for spades- that will usually cement brunch location), etc. This morning started out with meeting quickly at the Broadway Flea Market, to try the ticket raffle before heading downtown (I actually won 2 sets of tickets, which makes up for last year's zip- but either way, it's for charity). Out of the four of us, three of us got tickets, so that was pretty cool.

Weather wise, it was gloomy and stormy, but I think that just bumped up the punchy factor. We were just having a crazy good time, laughing and being our usual selves.

For me, personally, one of the things that helped was that my body was cooperating pretty much all day. Every time I checked my levels I was decent and I've been on a crazy energy spree again the past few days (yeah, I can connect the dots there). My back was a bit iffy, but that seems like such small potatoes these days.

After a pretty bad 24 hours earlier in the week, honestly, I snapped back and have been feeling awesome. Here's hoping this keeps up!!

I'm definitely feeling that summer is quickly behind us, weather or not. Music and theater seasons are starting and my calendar has been filling up quickly. There may be some convening of a certain country mouse and city mouse, but we'll see about that.

Star

Living in Manhattan, especially in the theater district, one gets pretty used to seeing a fair share of celebrities. Some are more "celebrity" in my eyes than others, but usually it's a passing mental shrug, if anything. I think some of it is having been in "the biz" since I was basically a kid, so even if I remotely care, I like to give them the same respect I'd give any potential colleague. Even if we make eye contact as I'm thinking "wait- is that someone I actually know or do they just look familiar because- oh, oops, I'm staring at a famous person who probably thinks I'm a stalker now" (busted), I try and just give a polite smile and move it along.

Tonight, I have to admit to being a tiny bit star struck for a moment. As we were entering the theater, I looked at the girl directly in front of me and thought, "huh, that kinda' looks like Mamie Gu.... (Gummer) OH!! And that would be her mother (Merryl Streep) right next to her!" (I've seen Mamie in a couple of things, so not really unusual that I'd see her around town- and poor thing that she's probably gotten that reaction her entire life). That is one classy, talented woman. I still didn't really turn my head and certainly didn't say anything until well out of view or ear shot, but I got kinda' fluttery.

All in all, it was the best September birthday I've ever had. We'll forget for a moment that my birthday was in June. It took a while for us all to be able to get together. We're still waiting to do R's from May, so I'm not all that behind. Summer in the city- weird time to try and schedule stuff.

"Wishful Drinking" was a lot of fun. Even having read the book, the material transferred well. I laughed my way through.

We started out at one of my most favorite restaurants (shhh... it's a secret), so the bar was set pretty high early on in the evening. Good food, good friends, good entertainment. Love it.

Time now to call it a night. Sadly, not even midnight, it's a school night and well past my bedtime.

It's All Relative

This last week was a rough one. When calling back to schedule what I'd thought to be routine extra baseline views as a follow-up for my first mammogram, it quickly became evident it wasn't as routine as I'd thought. I was bounced around for a few hours of phone tag from one scheduler to the next, including the biopsy nurse. When I finally got to the right person, I was told to allot 2 hours. For a follow-up to a 10-minute test, yikes. And the first had already been enough to know they're not enjoyable.

This gnawed at me in the background all week.

My appointment was first thing Friday morning. I arrived, as bright eyed as one can for something of this nature. After some nervous time in the waiting room, I was lead back to the second waiting room, where I changed into a gown for more hurry-up-and-wait. Within a few minutes, the first tech came and lead me to the screening room.

She was wonderful-- much more calming and easy than the first I'd had. While still painful, it was not nearly the scene from my prior visit. Within minutes we were done. I'd been told before taking the extra slides that the ultrasound to follow was scheduled "just in case" and that we'd see after these films were done if it was even necessary. Next thing I know, I'm asked to go back to the waiting room and to remain in my gown. After the doctor reviewed, I'd know how to proceed. On my way out the door, however, I saw the films she was looking at-- and the big blotch circled on each of them. A big, white circular mass that looked the size of a ping pong ball, showing on each slide and a big circle, as if it would be hard to otherwise notice. There was no mistaking then why I was called back.

The first tech had given me a survey to fill out as I waited for the next. By all of the info being requested, I could see that I wouldn't be able to complete it until finished, but I was grateful to have something else on which to concentrate. I suspect that was on purpose. I couldn't read the book I had with me because I was far too distracted. I could feel the knot in my stomach twisting tighter.

After what was probably only a few minutes, but seeming like an hour, I was called by the next tech. The ultrasound was uncomfortable, but more mentally than physically. What was happening to me? Does this mean I have breast cancer? What could that huge lump be? How often does this happen?

When she was done, she asked me to wait in the room while she conferred with the doctor. Just hang out and relax. Uh, yeah, if by "relax" she meant "try really hard not to cry", I was doing a decent job. Having had enough ultrasounds of other parts of my body, I knew this part was pretty routine, having to wait for the radiologist to review, etc. Still, that little fact wasn't very consoling this time around.

Next came the part that hadn't ever happened for me-- she arrived with the doctor in tow. "The doctor wants to speak to you....". My throat tightened and I must have been 3 shades of Casper.

Thankfully, his lead was "It's good news!". Wow, alrighty. He explained the whole process, why they had me in, and that the ultrasound showed that it was just a random mass of tissue, not a tumor. "EET EES NOT A TUMAH", as the movie quote goes. I'm just home to a nice mass of tissue that decided to make a home for itself, but kindly flattens out when pushed by an u/s wand, showing its harmlessness.

Whew!! Having been down the cancer road once before, I have to say, some things just put others all in perspective. I didn't really realize just how stressed I'd been lately, especially with all of the other (non-trivial, but comparatively not horrendous) health stuff going on, work stuff, etc. until I fully exhaled. The rest of the day, by comparison, was cake.

This morning, for the first time in a while, I woke up, the weather was gorgeous, I got in a nice walk, and had more energy than I've had in months. What an amazing day to be alive.

A Hard Rain's a-Gonna' Fall

Bitter people make me sad. Seriously. While everyone has his bad days, even melancholy days, I hope I'm never counted among the bitter.

There have been a few things weighing heavily these days. I haven't had nearly enough time to spend in my own head lately, too wrapped up in others. No complaints, it's just a little draining. I think this weekend needs to be some "me" time. While my long weekend away was fun, and it was great to get in some one-on-one time, it wasn't quite as centering as I'd hoped. I came back feeling just as behind as when I left, and the relaxation wore off in about an hour of being back in the real world.

I'm hitting professional obstacles and am reviewing my options. I recognize that it's unprofessional to expand on that in a public forum, but something needs to change in one way or another. Even I'm not sure at this point how the hands will be played in the near future, but we all know I'm a planner.

I've hit a few personal crossroads, as well. This distance thing is hard. What are a country mouse and city mouse to do? If only the middle wasn't so dreary.

Heat Wave

Sometimes it takes the tiniest spark to rekindle a flame. Next stop: conflagration.

I recently reconnected with a bay area friend to whom I haven't talked much since moving to NYC. We met through a mutual teacher and several friends, but very close to the time I moved to NYC, so we weren't very close. We were definitely in the same circles, though-- working with the same musicians, singing in the same venues, etc. Her latest note talked of her gigs (past and future), musical travels and soon getting into the studio. I can't even fully explain how much that filled my heart with joy-- both for her and for myself, living a bit vicariously. It did give me the slightest kick to get out there again (it may have been as blatant as her saying something along the lines of "you need to get out there").

Last night, I cleared off my piano bench, leafed through my book of charts, sang out loud. It surprised me how my body instantly felt a lift. The day-to-day frustration was gone and it felt like an old friend was sitting here with me in my apartment-- the friend was my own self, immersed in music.

Before I could make excuses not to (it's like I know myself), I sent a quick note to a friend in town who's been after me to sing. I committed and put a date out there.

As if the world knew, after sleeping more soundly than usual, I woke up this morning, had lost 1.5 more lbs (been trying to break through that plateau for a couple of weeks), got a note in my mailbox I've been waiting for weeks to appear, and my day progressed from there. I'm guessing my blood pressure was down. Oh, right, this is kinda' what it felt like when I used to do this stuff every day. Hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back.

G I Think You're Great

I went in for a very minor upper GI thing today. It was mostly just to have a look, though they fixed a couple of things they found while they were in there. It wasn't much at all, though I do kinda' feel like Roto Rooter had some fun in my esophagus (very mild- no big deal).

I had a chat with the doctor afterward, though don't know too terribly much until labs are back, etc.

What I really learned to day is that I love Propafol. No, really, I do. Those who know me well know I'm not big on drugs, especially anesthesia. Opiates and I don't play nicely together, whether a Vicodin for bone fractures or the heavier stuff for surgeries. I always need a heavy dose of anti-nauseant in the IV before any sedatives. So, a non-opiate sedative? It rocks!! I was out in about half a second and was semi-lucid upon waking. By the time my friend got me home, I felt fully aware of my surroundings and everything I was doing. After a nice, long nap (and food, not having eaten for about 16 hrs.), I felt fully awake and fine. No drug hangover, no nausea, nothing. I'm a little tired, but it's not a fuzzy, dopey kind of tired.

All in all, not bad.

Work-wise, it's hardly slowed, but post-launch makes it easier to get help from my teammates who weren't "in the know" beforehand. Still, things have been coming at a steady clip. This not having been my first time to the rodeo, I expected as much. It's all manageable. I do enjoy making good on a deliverable before it's anticipated (even by myself). This week I had one such an occasion. I had a site that I expected would be a bigger job than it was. There are a few minor cleanup things to take care of, but I left it in a good state for the weekend. I practically had one hand typing as I was on my way out the door. I hate leaving loose ends, so it was a relief, especially with a couple of our UI guys out today.

I'm looking forward to getting back on the social scene in the next few days. Tomorrow I'm heading to CT for a b'day party, then a few things planned for the week. Later in the week, a few of us are going out with some folks from the JC office, which should be fun. We always have a good time.